The funny girl in the fat suit!

“Hi my name is Suzanne Bailey”…. “Hi Suzanne”…..“my drug of choice is Food!” …..I’m guessing why this is the reason I am what I am today…the funny girl, stuck in a fat suit!

This subject has got WAY too much attention in my lifetime! I wish to say that it has been my family, my faith, my education, and hobbies….no it’s my weight! It's something that I have thought about and do think about EVERYDAY! ....Let’s take a trip down memory lane just for old times sake!

The first time I felt insecure with my body was in elementary school….yes good ol Grandview Elementary. I was playing on this weird rocket ship slide thing they had on the playground and a fellow student said to me, “you’re fat!” Without even stuttering I said, “F YOU!” lol (Where I had heard that word is still beyond me? I’m sure I hadn’t heard that word until I entered Dixon Middle School!) Lol This boy of course ran and told the teacher of my foul language and I was sent to the Principles office. My first and last time….I think! He told me that it was not nice to say that to someone and I quickly replied by saying that telling someone that they were FAT was just as bad! He agreed and I returned to my class. ….Now I can’t even remember details about family vacations, but I remember every detail of that horrible event on the playground! I quickly began to think that what this boy had said was true and compared myself to everyone after that…..

Highlight #2….It was August and school was starting soon. I’m not sure what grade I was in, but I am thinking it was 7^th or 8^th. My Mom and I headed out to do some school shopping at ZCMI, which is now Macy’s. There were many Moms with their daughters trying on clothes and my Mom and I had just entered what I like to call….THE DANGER ZONE! AKA dressing room! This is wear you take a huge pile of clothes that you think on the hanger are totally cute and have been chosen in what you think is your particular size to soon find out that that you were two sizes too small in your diagnoses and that the clothes looked way better on the hanger than on your body. ……Got a little side tracked….So if any of you remember the “In” thing was to have a pair or two of Guess jeans. My Mom was willing to fork out the big bucks and I began to try them on. My Mom decided to be in the dressing room with me as I tried them on. Left foot in, right foot in, pulled up over my thighs and my behind and then STOPPED just like a car crash as I tried to button the damn things! Now remember…. girls and Moms to the right and girls and moms to the left of me also trying on clothes…..my sweet mother decides to open her mouth in a sweet loving voice and say, “They don’t fit?”, “Oh I didn’t know you were in a bigger size now, I will go get you a bigger size!” She meant no harm in saying this, but at that point I wanted to put the pants over my head and go running out of the store!!! I bought those Guess Jeans that day, but in a BIGGER size….a size 9 instead of a 7! Now listen if I could go back to a size 9 today would I? Hell ya! ….and I would also tell that boy to “F off” again too! J

I was worried about a size 9 because most of my friends were a size 2, 4 or 6! To me a size 9 was fat! …..So the diets began! I always appreciated how I was raised when it came to food. My Dad was very sick and my mom tried to have the family eat as healthy as possible. Eating out was not an all the time thing, Pop was only bought for Birthdays or Holidays or one or two when the 7 Eleven “Big Gulp” came out….My Mom thought that was just the coolest thing ever!....Cookies where made up of Oats, raisins, applesauce, and nuts….probably why friends never wanted more than one!......I never blamed my weight on my family…. than what was it? I started noticing that I was bigger than most of my friends and so I talked my Dad into taking me to step aerobics at Body Firm in Provo. He religiously took and picked me up most nights of the week. I also had started what was my first diet, Herbalife which my Dad sold. I remember feeling very alone in my weight loss quest and have felt that way my whole life. No one in my family needed to lose weight so I was on my own to work out and watch what I ate. I would take my horse pills and protein shake to lunch in Jr. High while my friends would feast on those Satan made, oil induced snacks from that little hut thing in the lunch room. I was bound and determined to lose weight….because my 7 or 9 was just horrendous! I keep saying this because I honestly thought it was!

I loved my Jr. High years! I was very active and devoted most of my time to Ice Skating, Tennis and Dance. As I entered Provo High I still was so conscious of my weight and compared myself to my thinner friends and thought my weight was the reason for anything negative that came my way. If I was rejected by a boy….it was because I was fat! When I didn’t make cheer….it was because I was fat! At this point in my life FOOD WAS THE ENEMY!!! I saw my thinner friends eating Taco Bell and pink cookies every day and they were tooth picks! I saw a friend eating nothing but an orange and plain popcorn every day. I didn’t know what to do! I thought to myself if I didn’t eat at all that I would not gain any weight. Boy I wish someone could have told me how wrong of idea that was!!! I wouldn’t eat breakfast, no lunch or something full of empty calories and then eat dinner. I even felt guilty eating dinner that at one point I started trying to throw up after eating!....Luckily I hate throwing up so that only lasted a couple of months! To me it felt like the elephant in the room….”Suzanne’s fat, but no one will tell her!” ….The weird thing about me was that I was competing in ice Skating, on the Tennis team, on Dance company and sporting a hot two piece at Seven peaks in the summer! All while feeling overweight and insecure to the max!

…..Funny moment the other night about a week ago….my family went over to my Moms for her Birthday and she had just got all of her home videos put on DVD! Oh great I thought a bunch of DVD’s of me! As we sat there watching me Ice Skating, me in a Dance Company Recital at Provo High, and me at the beach, Braxton turned to me and said, “Mom you said you were fat in High School, you weren’t fat!” He was right I wasn’t fat what was I thinking!!! All that time, energy, confidence and self-esteem wasted on nothing!

It made me think??? Is that why I am the way I am now? Thirty Five, overweight, and feeling like I’m 65? Maybe at some point between 13 and 35 It just became too much! The weight loss programs, the workout routines, the gym passes, the under eating, the over eating, the shots and pills and blah, blah, blah! Did it consume me so much that I just gave up? I don’t know? Now I can blame this on anything and everything….my brothers death, my Mom’s depression, my Dad’s death, being married at 19, pregnant at 22 and again at 23, being totally broke, a husband that went through addiction, losing a house, not having the support at home, having a husband that eats whatever and whenever??? I don’t know, but I know that I am at a place that I hate and that I want out of!

I feel like over the years I have gained all of this knowledge and I preach it to my kids over and over! Eat every 3-4 hours, don’t skip breakfast, no pop, don’t eat 3 hours before bed, 8 glasses of water a day, no high fructose corn syrup, low fat, high protein, eat the “right” kind of carbs, cardio with weights, and on and on and on!!! I can talk the talk, but I can’t walk the walk! I am constantly boosting up my kids self-image, telling them how great they are, explaining that it’s not how they look, but how healthy they are……It’s kind of one of those “do as I say not as I do” kind of thing!

Now I’m not telling the universe this so that I can get a, “that pore girl”, from the skinny beotches and, “I feel your pain” from the thicker sisters out there. This is a time in my life that I am making a change….WITH KENTON! Yes you heard right kids your Dad is actually going to start his FIRST EVER healthy eating and exercise program! I don’t know if it is because if the 20 something year old at work that he covets or the sheer panic of dying in a few years, but he has decided to get on board and just not support me, but join me….or I’m joining him??? I have always appreciated the support Kenton has given me! Not in 19 years has he told me that I needed to lose weight! (I just can’t decide if that’s like giving a drug addict 20 bucks for his next fix???) Lol I want to grow old with Kenton and not have our children taking us to Doctor Appointments in their free time. I am going to try and take down any barriers that are holding me back to reaching my goals and truly feeling comfortable in my body again! I don’t know if it is a mental thing, and addiction or just as simple as eating more calories than my fat butt is burning each day? Whatever it may be…..Here’s to getting out of this fat suit and being a better version of me!