This is why I do what I do...

   I clean, I cook, I work in the yard, I wash and Iron, and make beds, change diapers, give words of advice to those in my home that need it, whisper I love you's, make phone calls, paint up my face and put something nice on acting like It's something new, I give kisses and reprimand where needed, organize this and throw away that and sometimes just sit and think. These are the things I have control over.....So I do them day in and day out sometimes with a smile, sometimes without, sometimes in tears with the fear of what tomorrow will bring.....

What lays heavy on my heart to some may not seam like not a big deal, "It could be worse!", "There are people worse off than you!", but for me the last 5 months has been a huge challenge.

A year ago I drove up to Freedom Academy and dropped off Brooks to 1st grade. Went home and got all dressed up and started my new life at a full time (plus some) Dental Office. It was hard going back after being a stay at home Mom for the last 6 years, well while working overnight at Target,  and being there when my kids needed me to making my "new job" the importance of my day. I was excited to leave my overnight job at Target to get on a more normal schedule and eager to return to what I thought I did best, Assisting. Going back I realized that laundry wouldn't get done, Daddy would have to get Brooks ready for school, I would miss Hunter's basketball games as a freshman at Provo High, take out would be my new best friend and that I was definately not the assistant I was at 21. Why did I do this? Not to have a huge home, go on trips, or to say I had an amazing job....it was to help my family survive! Since about 2007 that is what we did....try to survive!

This has never been a secret in out home. To our children we always spoke the truth of our finances and struggles, not to make them feel bad or put more stress on to them as kids, but to hopefully educate them of how easy life can change when you don't expect it. Stressing to the kids there education, needs verses wants, and what truly makes you happy in life is what our goal is. Many things were taught and I hope lessons were learned.

Two weeks on our way back to some financial relief we had the suprise of the year...well maybe the surprise of the last five years. Morning, noon and nightime sickness had set in and after three other times of feeling this way I new what it meant. We were soon to find out the we were so lucky enough to have another child. Finally our number four that I had had dreams about for many years and then just realized I probably had been making it up in my head. All those prayers from Brooks for a new baby finally payed off! ....Really two weeks into a new job? So excited for out new addition still in the back of my head was the financial stability me working was going to give my family. Many different game plans entered into my mind of how to keep working after having this sweet addition.

As the time went on the best option and rightfully his as a new little human entering into this world was to stay at home with Mr. Jax. The stress of this dicision was one that was not talked about by my husband and I. For the last 8 months of me working we played catch up with the bills that were behind form previous years. No money to save, or get ahead at this point. The guilt I had was enormous! Tears flowed as dinner was made, driving down the road, sitting in the bath, and yes even in the middle of Walmart! How was this all going to work and why did I swear this was like the 12th time these thoughts had passed through my head since I had been married! Of course it was not because I had to give up my hair appointments, a new hand bag every now and then, Zumba class, date night, my way overpriced eye cream....it was always, "how will this effect the kids again? They deserve so much and we have so little to give!"

As time was approaching to finally give birth to what seamed like a 20 lb baby two weeks before I recieved some news that an expecting mother really doesn't NEED to hear. Kenton had lost his job. As I wanted to hike my pregnant butt up to the "Y", yell to the top of my voice while flipping off all of UT County I just laughed! REALLY! It was such an oxymoron to hear such bad news while waiting to hear such good news, "IT"S A BOY!" As many times these words had come to my mind over the last 30 years they surfaced again, "SOMETHING GOOD HAS TO COME FROM THIS!"

Five months later, five months of sleepless nights, empty gas tanks, counting pennies, over eating, throwing my hands up to the air, explaining, praying, hoping, crying, I am still saying to myself, "SOMETHING GOOD HAS TO COME FROM THIS!" I have learned a lot about myself good and bad, things that I thought I had learned the last time or the time before that when we went through similar circumstances. I have continued to teach how to live on a dime to my kids.....and to laugh while doing it! I have sat many nights on the bedsides of my boys encouraging them to do well in school and practice their ball to maybe get a scholarship. I have taught them that we don't need to go on expensive trips, live in a fancy house, or drive a new car to be happy. I have shed tears as Hunter counts out pennies to go to the rec to practice what he does best, while blamming it on "post-baby-hormones" to him. I have prayed, in my car, at the kitchen table, holding Jax, as I drive away from the Provo High, at my beside and yes even on the toilet to please help our situation and please help me stay home with this sweet baby.

....But I do not regret, not once the decision to stay at home with my Mr. Jax. The reward of hearing a soft little cry as he wakes up and running into him to greet him with a smile and pick him up a say god morning, whispering, "I love you" as I feed him, or hold his little hands as he falls asleep, nothing can replace my expreiences with him. I am truly experiencing the rewards of being a stay at home mother and wife. Picking Hunter up from basketball and hearing about his day, while stopping half way home to let him drive while freaking out inside. Greeting Braxton at the door and having him compliment me on how clean the house is. Trying a new recipe and Kenton actually going back for seconds and being home to tuck in my sweet little Brooks and hear all about her hopes and dreams. Now this all sounds amazing, but I am human! There have been many pots of overcooked rice creations, phone calls of, "where are you, you are late", "the house is a mess, must have been a bad day", me yelling at Brooks to, "go get in your freakin bed cause I'm not doing this again tonight!" and many doors opened greated with a woman that looks like their Mom with no make up, a hat and jamies on.

I don't have a lot of control of what is going on in my life right now, but.....
As I read a great piece of advice given to me before Kenton and I went through the temple 17 years ago, from someone that knows me better than anyone else.....I am reminded that my greatest role here on earth is to be a loving, kind mother....and to be a patient supportive spouse. That I do have control over and I am trying to magnify my calling each day by doing so.

I write this, this day to not feel sorry for myself, to not make anyone else feel sorry for me, because there are those that have heavier burdens than I do. I write for the future....to look ahead and hope for the best and to turn around and look at the past and realize how we have grown from these experiences. It's not always easy, but the only thing I have is to hope it will all be worth it! Many have come before me an many will come after I'm just doing the best I know how to do!

To my four better parts....this is why I do what I do!